Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
