FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
