I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
