I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
