dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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