i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
