I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
