the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.