Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
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You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
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Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.