Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
