Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
