i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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