Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Randomize
