Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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