me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
