God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
