You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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