I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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