I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
