the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
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Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
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Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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