I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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