I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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