If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
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I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
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You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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