I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
