my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
