Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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