I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
