well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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