im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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