Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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