I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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