I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
