I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
