I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
