I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
