Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
found the other keg... it's in the tree
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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