so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
