I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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