Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
