Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
