Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
