I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
