She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
