Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
