My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
