Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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