She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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