chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
