Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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