When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
