I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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