I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I am one with the molecules
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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