someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
id be glad to
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
