I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
