I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
