I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I don't deserve a penis
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
