your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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