walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
