Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
