I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
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My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
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I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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